A Too Much Information Post.

So ever since I was a little kid I remember having a nervous stomach. It got better when I got older, at least most of the time. That was until I had kids. It seems birthing children broke something in my guts and now I have IBS. This doesn't come as a huge shock since just about everyone in my family has stomach troubles but of course this was one I was hoping would skip me.

Now why would this be a big deal? The main reason is because anytime I leave the house I worry about needing a bathroom and in turn the worrying upsets my stress induced stomach. It is a horrible cycle but I am beyond knowing how to break the cycle.

It also means I have a hard time going out and meeting friends. Sometimes even seeing my best friends makes my stomach go nuts because it is a social situation and I am very easily stressed by that. I guess you could say I am painfully shy.

I am sitting here now getting ready to meet a friend IRL for the first time. I have been talking to her for nearly 5 years and we were pregnant at the same time with our firsts and I have been dealing with a horrible stomach all morning. I have no *real* reason to be nervous. I know she is a good person, I know she has similar stomach trouble, I know she is likely the last person in the world that would ever judge me, but still, Imodium and I have been best buddies this morning.

I have been to the doctors of course but there is nothing that can really be done. I can take anti-anxiety meds but those would just make me sleepy and a sleepy mom doesn't take care of kids so well.

So until I figure out how to fix it, I stay at home an awful lot, way more than I ever want to.

Feeling like parenting failure

My son is 4. I love him dearly. Most things go fine around here but one area that I feel like I really suck at is finding him friends his age.

In our area it seems as though all 4 year olds are in preschool, which is something that we can't afford right now as we have to pay a sitter to come in 2 days a week to watch *both* the kids so I can do school work. Also things around here are *expensive*. I went looking around. There is one thats $35 a day but it is also 18 3-5 year olds in a basement with no windows...uh, no, not gonna happen. Then there is one that is 9 hours a week (3 days of 3 hours a day) for $265 a month. So those are pretty much it without trying to get into a program with the local Y which would be way less than ideal as one location has no parking so I would be trudging downtown with both kids in January. Ugh. Or the other location which is about 40 mins from my house and only runs 3 hours at a time so there wouldn't be any point in coming home with Ivy once we were done dropping off Aaron...and what on earth would I do with just Ivy in that town for 3 hours?? There is a serious lack of indoor stuff here in the winter.

I have tried meeting other parents at the park but there are problems with this. One is that Aaron doesn't hang out and PLAY with people at the park...he is busy running etc. The second problem is that I am busy running left for Ivy and right for Aaron and can't manage to try to strike up a conversation with a parent even if I managed to find the guts to *Talk* to someone I didn't know out of the blue.

We have tried local story times etc but there are either very few attendees or the ones that come all have younger kids. Same story with our local meetup.

I would try to post something on craigslist but 1. you never know who you are gonna find that way and 2. I wouldn't even know what to post it under.

I am just out of ways to figure out how to get some age appropriate friends for Aaron and it makes me sad. I grew up with few friends and still have very few friends, I can think of a whole two that I am close with and see regularly, if my son wants more than that and wants to be social, I want to help facilitate that....but I am running out of ideas!!

Sugar Countdown

I have needed to do this for awhile now. A long while. I am trying to kick the sugar. I am still eating carbs but I am trying to cut out most of the added sugars. I also can't have any "fake" or artificial sugars (stevia etc as well) because of unpleasant digestive side effects.

I am on day 3 now. I have a few problems with it though, mostly that I am not a big veggie fan. I routinely eat red peppers, sweet potato, potato, corn, and peas. I do have others on occasion but not that often. I admit it, I am flawed.

The first day I did this I hadn't planned on it so my sugar was still higher than I would have liked but I wasn't able to make it to the store etc.

I have been writing down everything I eat and the "sugar" part from the nutrition facts. I realize there are more carbs etc but I might eventually get to the point of chilling out on those but I am working slowly.

Day one (umprepared) was:

Coffee with creamer - 10 grams sugar
1 dark chocolate n oats granola bar (not a pack, just a bar) - 6 grams sugar
PB&J on Wheat - 22 grams of sugar
PB Pretzels - 2 grams sugar
Chocolate soymilk (I need soymilk for other reasons but will be switching to something unsweetened when the chocolate runs out) - 19 grams sugar
1 piece white sauce lasagna with spinach and whole wheat pasta - 3 grams sugar
1 mentos - no idea…maybe a gram??

Total added sugar intake: 63 grams

Day Two:

oatmeal 5 grams of sugar
Cashews 2 grams of sugar
Quisadilla 1 gram of sugar
granola bar 6 grams of sugar
fries 2 grams of sugar
veggie chicken nuggets 2 grams of sugar

Total added sugar intake: 18 grams

Day Three:

coffee - 6 grams of sugar
grilled cheese (on yeast free/ sugar free bread) 0 grams sugar
Potato chips - 0 grams sugar
hotdog on a roll - 5 grams sugar
corn on the cob - 0 grams sugar (I know its carbs, right now I am limiting added sugar)
1 small cookie (I made cookies because hubby was bugging me alllll day so I let myself have ONE) - 13 grams of sugar

Total added sugar intake: 24 grams

For me the biggest hurdle was the coke. I LOVE my coke in the afternoon. I have been having one everyday for at least 8 years now. It is a hard habit to break and of course I was addicted to the caffeine.

I replaced this with flavored seltzer (raspberry lime) with no sugar and no artificial sweeteners.

So far I have noticed some changes that I didn't expect. My mood seems to have stabilized a bit, which is amazing. My 4 year old is forever doing bad things, always bad things, and for a long time I would freak out and my BP would rise and I would have a horrible time keeping my calm.

I noticed even yesterday and moreso today that he is still doing all the same ridiculous things that he shouldn't do and I get annoyed...but I dont feel like strangling him because of it. You wouldn't think that sugar would cause such a difference, but it really does.

Dreams

So now that I have had some time off school and my brain is actually allowed to think about things other than assignments and papers and homework, I have had a chance to really think about what I want to do.

I have struggled really hard with what I want to "be when I grow up" and while I am sure it will always be a challenge I feel like I at least have a an idea now. I will graduate in December with a bachelors degree (finally!) and then will be left to figure out what I want to do from there.

My long term goal is midwifery. I love birth. I believe in birth. Being around new moms and new little babies is truly amazing. I had thought about possible doula work before I train for midwifery but came to the conclusion that it just won't work until my kids are a bit older. Right now if I had a client call at noon that was in labor, I would have nothing to do with my kids and I couldn't be a very effective doula with my children running about.

I still want to be around babies and new moms, and I know/knew quite a bit about breastfeeding, so I am looking into a way to possibly become a lactation consultant. In my *ideal* world I would set up an office in my home and schedule clients around *my* schedule as well. My husband is very supportive of whatever it is that I might be able to do for work that still allows me to be home for snow days, and sick days, and vacations etc so I am lucky that he is willing to see me through that stuff. First of course I need to find the right path to becoming a LC. If I do that I could even do post postpartum doula work as that usually doesn't need to be done at a specific time, you can schedule appointments for that instead.

I sit here at 25 years old and feel so excited about what the future might hold, but need to figure out how to get to the end result. I am thrilled at the idea of doing something I *love* for work rather than just working to work.

Here is to the future!

I am here!

I promise I am still around and plan on writing. It has been a crazy semester and we are finally coming down to the wire. Everything is due by May 18th at the *latest* so I will be done before then. My *goal* is to have all the work done by May 1. My "big" projects I had left for the semester as as follows (the stuff bolded is stuff I finished during break week last week):

Things I can do during vacation:
4 writings for weekly papersPOG
4 weekly questions POG
Final paper S&I
Final Exam POG
10 page paper PC
Cemetery Assignment AOD
Persuasion Essay RE (cloth diapers)
Slides for ads & radio PC

I have the ability to do the cemetery assignment and the final exam now, I just need to find the time...I also could do the 10 page paper but I gotta figure out an outline or something beacuse 10 pages is a lot of pages.

Death everywhere.

Forewarning, this is not going to be a happy post. Today I am hurting.

It of course started with my Grandfathers passing in February. That I handled okay. He was 88 years old he had a long life and the last years of his life were filled with confusion and pain for him as he suffered from Alzheimers.

I had started to get over that and I noticed on a friends page the story of Layla Grace (Don't read that page if you can't handle very sad cancer things and small children). She is a little girl in Texas that is at the end of a losing battle with cancer. She is 2 years old and has never known much other than pain and chemo and cancer. It hurts my heart on a serious level to hear about it yet I can't stop following her updates on twitter. I think it hits me especially hard because of Ivy being nearly the same age but in either case no child deserves cancer and no parent deserves to watch their child have to die such a hard death.

Then there is a friend from high school. I lost touch with him years ago as I did most people from high school when I moved up here. He too is losing his battle with cancer. His wife also just had a little boy in late February and they have a 2.5 year old little boy too. I want to visit but I wouldn't even know where to start. We hadn't been in touch for a long time but we were good friends for awhile in 7th grade and threw until I left my hometown. Of course, as a parent, it hurts me so much to think that he is sitting in the hospital missing what little of his childrens lives he will be around for.

Then, after all that, I find out the dog that we tried to own, the great dane, is at a rescue because whatever home he went to after us didn't work. I also find out that the poor thing has a fatal heart defect. So now he doesn't have a family and there is no saying when he might die, could be any time. I briefly thought about trying to take him back but I know we can't. Ivy just won't have it and I haven't got the time to continually peel Ivy off of me to do homework. She was *not* okay with him being here. At all. I loved that dog though and he is a perfect pup.

So that is my pity party for today. It is just a lot to handle all at once in addition to the 2 kids and the 5 classes (one of course, about death).

I am physically and mentally exhausted and could really use a couple weeks to sleep, but of course, I don't get to even if I want to......

Word EXPLOSION and Imagination Enters

So Ivy, all of a sudden, has gotten a whole mess of new words. Some of these words include: beef, spices, ice, peacock (?!), Barbagee (Aaron), whoa, on, and off. There are others and they just keep coming!! It was pretty funny because she didn't say a whole lot of things for awhile but clearly understood EVERYTHING being said then all of a sudden BAM! She has a bunch of words. It is so great to see her learning and being SO excited that she can really talk now.

And Aaron...oh that little boy. He has recently grown quite an imagination. He has always been creative but he has lots of imagination in there now. Today while we were playing outside he was chasing "Moon Dragons". When asked what color they were and where they were he said they were white and way up high. He was running around like CRAZY "chasing" these Moon Dragons. He does stuff like that all the time now and its so funny to see because he gets so excited.

I *love* these children. They are so fun and wonderful.

Where are we now?

Like the show on VH1 "Child Stars Where are They Now?" Haha.

I have been insanely busy with school. I am not sure what I was thinking taking 5 classes online with 2 young kids, and a house on the market. I am pretty sure that was 100% crazy.

So far it seems the month of February hasn't been so great. First my grandfather passed. Then the day after when I was supposed to visit family and help them out I ended up with a nasty stomach bug (the children only mildly affected). Then of course I had the funeral.

Finally started to recover from all of that and started to catch up on school work then out of nowhere last Wednesday I check on Aaron and noticed he was REALLY hot. Turns out he had a fever of 103. The fever lingered for a couple days with no other issues but a headache. In the mean time Ivy ended up with the fever too, though not as high.

Then came the hacking junky cough and the stuffy nose and the general crappy feeling I guess. Aaron is just now starting to feel better. I could tell tonight things were going better for him because he was running around trying to get into trouble etc. Ivy however was still in the thick of it today so I am hoping she is back to about 75% tomorrow and Aaron is back to 100%.

I have been doing what I can to stay caught up with school but its kinda hard! I should be caught up after tomorrow when my sister in law comes to watch the kids. She however is pretty stressed out with her own class schedule so instead of the 3 hours she normally stays, tomorrow she will only be here for as long as it takes me to get my paper(s) done that I need to do. I have at least one paper to do. I need to: Discuss the identity of the middle-class housewife.

Thrilling right?

Anyway that is my little update and I am hoping to get a little bit of a breather as next weeks a vacation week on campus so one of my classes has no work due and the other of my classes only has a movie review due. So I will only have 3 classes that are full course load next week.

So excited for spring. I hope it gets sunny and warm soon!

Things I thought I would never hear

From my mouth:

Keep your spit in your mouth
Leave the pee in the potty
Good try Ivy but the CD doesn't go in the blu-ray player
Yes you can watch a little TV
Come on buddy, get your PJs off and your day clothes on, we gotta go...
Ivy please get down from the kitchen, it isn't safe (I say this one a lot)
Yes you can have a lollipop but first you have to let Mama finish at the post office


From Aaron's mouth:

Ivy you are my husband
Burp Burp Burp Burp Burp (the word not the action...while at the post office trying to fill out a customs form)
But Mama I wanna eat my veggies first (surely not my child...)
I don't WANNA go outside


There are more from each but those are the most recent I can think of!

Quick update

Kids are growing and getting bigger. More and more fun to play with everyday. Ivy is growing into quite the little drama queen trying to get her brother in trouble when he is across the room and not doing anything "bad".

Aaron has really taken to holiday craft/ baking stuff. He loved the gingerbread house and making stained glass cookies with Pete, Ivy, and I.

I have finished fall semester with an A, A-, and B+. Next semester (starting January 18th) I am registered for 15 credits which may well be insane. When I was living on campus and with no kids I took 19 credits....now I am taking 15 with two kids home full time plus the cats and husband and house etc. Anyone that manages to find a way to actually visit me between now and May had better not expect a clean house or empty sink because it is likely housework will fall to the wayside.

I am almost done knitting my last Christmas present (for Ivy). I have to wrap them all up but getting there...hoping I can finish Ivy's hat tonight but we will see. I only have about 3" done on a like 10 inch hat but it will be super cute so its totally worth it and its mindless stockinette stitch so its super easy to do while watching TV etc.

To anyone that still reads my sad attempt at a blog, Merry Christmas!

Sometimes suprises happen

No, I am not pregnant!

Today started out normal like any other day.

Early in the afternoon I started to get that writing "bug" the one that makes me want to write a whole book, now. Of course I had nothing sitting in my head to write ABOUT. When I do write my book I want it to be profound, at least for me, additional bonus if the readers find the same thing. It is a rather lofty goal to think of writing a book, taking 9 credits, raising 2 kids and 2 cats, and running my house all while being a wife.

By the end of the day I am knee-deep into writing a children's book. A book that might have some potential even. I hadn't even considered it until about 8pm...and now its 11pm and I have just about all the story thought out, just need to write it all out.

I also have an illustrator that is very excited to be working on such a thing and is starting a draft of what the main character is going to look like.

How strange how things come out of nowhere sometimes!

First time Finger painting!

Now...let it be known...I don't handle messy things very well. Everyday mess, fine, animal mess, fine....un-needed mess...not so okay with. Today however I decided to try and step outside my bubble and let the kids try finger painting. Ivy was hesitant at first and only took *one* time of me telling her we don't eat the paint, we put it on the paper...which was impressive.

Here are some pics! They had a lot of fun!

Bit of a "woman rant"

Now this is not against men really but its probably not something they will want to read either. Fair warning.



That disclaimer aside I am 99% sure men would die if they were women and had to deal with what we do on a monthly basis. First there is of course mid-cycle where a woman is fertile. Now, you would imagine, this would be a fun time right? Yea, not for everyone. Some of us lucky people get pretty tough pain in our abdomen, some of us also get really nauseous, and some of us get "other trouble" with our stomachs. Sounds like a blast right? I am confident my husband would be curled up in a ball if he dealt with that alone.

Then 10-14 days later comes the other fun part. Not even taking into account the actual event there are the mood swings, the cramps, again with the nausea. We get cranky and exhausted and mostly feel like laying in bed all day, but do we? Of course not. We all know the house would fall apart and the kids would end up playing with Windex or something. So we tough it out, we deal with it all the while knowing it all all start over again in the middle of the next cycle.

Of course, men also like to make light of the whole thing. Midcycle its not uncommon to hear someone laughing as the children bounce on my stomach, I can tell you, that does NOT feel good...much less funny. Every time it happens, I hope against hope that maybe someday he could have just a *slight* idea of what it feels like, even if it were only for a few moments.

*sigh*

Still here...

Yep...still here. About to be CRAZY busy with 3 classes, 2 kids, 2 cats, a husband, and a house to run...should be FUN!

I have a post coming at some point about natural family planning but that will have to wait for a night when my brain still functions. In the mean time if you are bored you can look it up. :-)

Ivy now knows how to show me where her ears, eyes, hands, mouth, hair, nose, and belly button are. She is learning SO quickly.

Aaron is also working pretty hard on words. The only two he has down are "Aaron" and "cat" but he is getting there!

Ugh

Note to self: before next summer get AC. It is currently 85 and climbing INSIDE the house and it is 89, just about 90 with a heat index of 98 outside...

A UV level of 9 means my little lobster baby can't go in the sun no matter the level of sunblock so no pool for us! We need an awning and/or an AC next year!

Thoughts for the week

So not much has happened in the last few weeks but it feels like time is just flying by. Ivy is growing more and learning SO much everyday it always amazes me. Aaron is in a totally new phase of development and we are starting to teach him the way to do 911 and when is the right time to call etc. It makes him feel important and it helps me feel more secure home with the kids all the time. He is my smart little man and catches onto things so quickly.

I have been trying to focus more on enjoying each day because of how fast the time goes. I sit and realize that it is almost August. August is the last real month of "summer" and it is amazing how fast the summer went. I am looking forward to fall but I also know that when the fall hits I go back to school and it means even more time that I am trying to juggle with the kids and housework and learning too.

Going back to school makes me nervous but it also makes me excited. I should only need 3 semesters to get it done which is even more exciting than most people can realize. I have been working so long and so hard to try and get my bachelors and it is so close and within my reach. It will be a LOT of work and more work than I ever thought it would be now with two kiddos but it will be worth it.

Not sure what else to say. I have plenty left to say I suppose but none of which I guess I want on my blog forever in the digital world. Just looking forward to the fall while still trying to really enjoy each day this summer with the kids.

Things I never considered about being a mom

So these are things that I suppose at some level I knew but never really truly considered when it came to motherhood.

1. Everyday I have at least SOME bodily fluid on me that isn't my own, usually more than once.

2. Diapers would become higher on my priority list to wash than clothes.

3. Toys would become the centerpiece on my coffee table.

4. I would deal with tantrums everyday, and learn how to handle them effectively.

5. That a smile could come on my face at 3am when I am awaken by either child, only to find a grinning beast staring at me from their bed.

6. That "How Does a Dinosaur Say Goodnight" would become the most read book in my house.

7. That every morning I would be greeted by two very happy little creatures that are just excited to see *me*.

8. That having two people depend on me 100% for everything could be such a rewarding experience.

9. How big little arms can feel when they give Bear hugs.

10. The simple enjoyment of sitting on the couch talking with two little people and cuddling.

Dreary days etc

So the last week has been pretty rough with the weather. We got ONE warm sunny day. The rest of the days have been rainy and cold, example, today was 58 and raining...in July. While I realize I am in VT I am not really prepared for 20+ degrees below seasonal average....for a week +.

Oddly enough the kids have managed all right. They seem to be great at playing together most of the time and today I took out the duplos before lunch and they played together nicely for 45 minutes and only stopped because I had lunch ready and it was time to eat.

We also had an activity to do this afternoon as one of our friends brought Aaron over a birthday gift, a little crocodile that you put stickers on and glue together that is also a clock. Aaron was VERY excited to make the clock and did a great job with the stickers.

We are also trying to see if A can be a "big boy" at night now. I put him in a pull up and we talked about using the potty tonight etc etc and how if he keeps the pull up dry for 3 nights in a row he can wear underpants to bed and if he keeps his pull ups dry he can put a sticker on a calender in the AM. He seems VERY excited about it and I am crossing my fingers but the boy sleeps like a log so I am not sure he will wake up to pee or not...I always go in around 11 to give him water so I will ask him then if he has to pee...remind him what is going on etc.

Three years ago

Three years ago I was anxiously awaiting your arrival. See the doctors told me when you were going to be born so I knew the next day I would have you in my arms. I was very nervous but very excited too.

You were my first babe and I had no idea what to expect which worked out well because you were just a baby and didn't know what to expect either, so we learned together.

After 12 hours of working to get you born, you joined your Dada and I in my arms. Honestly the first few moments after you were born are such a blur, even the day after I didn't remember a whole lot about those first few moments. What I do remember is looking at your fingers and thinking that there were too many of them, turns out they were just really long. Still are.

You were born with a full head of hair that you never lost.

My favorite moments from the last 3 years? Seeing you sleep so soundly on my chest, shared naps in the early days, watching you grow and learn so fast, finding you on top of the cathouse and wondering how on Earth you got there, your first birthday and watching you cover yourself in cupcake, watching you meet your sister for the first time, and the cuddles you give me now before bedtime.

I love that you have become such an expressive little boy and always have something to say. I love that you are so good at loving your sister, you Dada, and I.

Watching your imagination grow and seeing the amount that you learn is one of the most rewarding things a person could experience.

I love you my little boy. Happy 3rd Birthday.

To go or not to go?

Today Pete tells me he is going to Boston next week...like MONDAY next week. In 3 days.

He tells me I can go too and bring the kids. The hotel is in the middle of the business district and 2 miles from the aquarium. I would LOVE to see the aquarium.

Things that make me think about staying home?

1. Ivy hates the car. We would probably make it about an hour into the trip before she freaked out.

2. During the day it would be just me with both kids (ages 1 and 3) in the city.

3. The weather. If it is rainy and gross I don't want to be trapped in a hotel room with the kids

4. My stomach. Those of you that know me know I have a very touchy stomach and travel makes it worse. The idea of being stuck in Boston with two kids halfway to the park with an icky stomach is less than ideal.

5. Cats. They do sometimes need to be fed.